My fellow constituents, I am writing to you about a matter of extreme urgency. Right now, at this moment, our nation is faced with a dire threat: morbidly obese people are ruining the appetites of normal people.
In restaurants across the nation, fatsos of all genders and nationalities are consuming food they don't need. Certainly it is not necessary to make you aware of this matter. You've been behind them in line before as they order the 20 McNugget meal and then sit down and consume it all by themselves. Just this evening as I dined at my favorite eating establishment, an enormous woman sat down in front of me. She was so fat that as the rolls of skin cascaded over the top and side of her seat, it actually looked as though her back was trying to consume the chair. I then proceeded to watch, mortified, as this woman consumed not one, but TWO, burritos the size of yule logs.
Is this what our brave men and women and Iraq are fighting for? I say, emphatically, "NO!" We must have change, and we must have it now; otherwise, our most treasured freedom - the right to eat at a restaurant without being disgusted - will be lost forever, and the morbidly obese domestic terrorists will have won.
It is because I value our basic human rights that I urge you to call upon your congresspeople and have them support my latest measure: Bill 6237-3, which will, at long last, give restaurant workers the same rights and responsiblities as bartenders. As I was personally reminded no fewer than nine times last week, if a person at a bar is sloppy drunk, the bartender will say, "Sorry, buddy, it looks like you've had enough." Under Bill 6237-3, restaurant workers will finally be able to say the same thing to the sloppy fat.
Bill 6237-3 will also ensure that restaurant workers will receive the same amount of sensitivity training as bartenders, so they will know what to say. Where bartenders say to the sloppy drunk, "How about some coffee instead," restaurant workers will be trained to say, "Maybe you'd like a rice cake." Where bartenders say, "Let me call you a cab," restaurant workers will say, "Let me call you Jenny Craig."
Only with your immediate and overwhelming support will this bill become law. Write your congressperson today.