Sunday, July 22, 2007

Updated May Be Too Strong a Word

One post does not necessitate hoopla, unless you count the surprising accuracy of prediction #4.
Who would have thought that Ron's seemingly innocent comment to Harry about the book Ron got him for his birthday improving his "wandwork" would be so graphically described?

Later, did anyone else catch this response to Ron's question "Oh my god, is that your wand?": "All eleven glorious inches of it! I can't wait to show Hermione!"

And who can forget this exchange between Harry and Bellatrix (GASP! Sirius's killer):
"Take it, you witch!" Harry cried, his eyes filling with a mixture of ecstasy and regret. Bellatrix cackled, "I barely felt that! Remember what I told you last time? You have to really mean it!"
Harry thrust his wand further. "I do mean it this time!" Harry shouted. "Before you black out, I want the last thing you remember to be the sight of my face hovering over yours."

And then on page 458, when it was revealed that Lupin was NOT in fact bitten by a werewolf, but became excessively hairy because he played too much with his wand under a full moon. Thank goodness Remus revealed the truth before Harry Potter became Harry Palmer.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Potter Predictions

It's about three hours away from the last Potter book coming out around here, and before I begin reading it tomorrow, I would like to offer the following predictions to see whether or not I would pass my O.W.L. in Divination:

1.Neville Longbottom will play a critical role near the end of the book. What role that will be precisely the tea leaves will not say.

2. At least one of the hoarcruxes is located in 12 Grimmauld Place, having been placed there by Sirius's brother Regulus. Quite possibly Kreacher is hoarding it.

3. Snape turns out to be a good guy, and Dumbledore's faith in him will not have been misplaced. The secret shared between them will have something to do with Snape's secret but unrealized love for Harry's mother.

4. To show beyond a doubt that the Potter series has moved out of the realm of children's fantasy and firmly into the realm of serious adult literature, Harry will get laid.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

J.P. Sousa: It's Time To Eat, America!

It's about time our military leaders took sides in the political arena, and the Colonel was just the man to do it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, down the street from here a hot dog vendor is offering an Obama Foot-Long. My fellow constituents, if there's one thing I can't resist, it's weiners.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

J.P. Sousa: Expand the Rights of Restaurant Workers and End Obesity

My fellow constituents, I am writing to you about a matter of extreme urgency. Right now, at this moment, our nation is faced with a dire threat: morbidly obese people are ruining the appetites of normal people.

In restaurants across the nation, fatsos of all genders and nationalities are consuming food they don't need. Certainly it is not necessary to make you aware of this matter. You've been behind them in line before as they order the 20 McNugget meal and then sit down and consume it all by themselves. Just this evening as I dined at my favorite eating establishment, an enormous woman sat down in front of me. She was so fat that as the rolls of skin cascaded over the top and side of her seat, it actually looked as though her back was trying to consume the chair. I then proceeded to watch, mortified, as this woman consumed not one, but TWO, burritos the size of yule logs.

Is this what our brave men and women and Iraq are fighting for? I say, emphatically, "NO!" We must have change, and we must have it now; otherwise, our most treasured freedom - the right to eat at a restaurant without being disgusted - will be lost forever, and the morbidly obese domestic terrorists will have won.

It is because I value our basic human rights that I urge you to call upon your congresspeople and have them support my latest measure: Bill 6237-3, which will, at long last, give restaurant workers the same rights and responsiblities as bartenders. As I was personally reminded no fewer than nine times last week, if a person at a bar is sloppy drunk, the bartender will say, "Sorry, buddy, it looks like you've had enough." Under Bill 6237-3, restaurant workers will finally be able to say the same thing to the sloppy fat.

Bill 6237-3 will also ensure that restaurant workers will receive the same amount of sensitivity training as bartenders, so they will know what to say. Where bartenders say to the sloppy drunk, "How about some coffee instead," restaurant workers will be trained to say, "Maybe you'd like a rice cake." Where bartenders say, "Let me call you a cab," restaurant workers will say, "Let me call you Jenny Craig."

Only with your immediate and overwhelming support will this bill become law. Write your congressperson today.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

$100 million idea #1

An idea for a Christmas-themed English porno:

Jolly Old St. Knickerless.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Perfesser: All Hail the Majesty of My Caulk!

I spent most of Thanksgiving weekend with my caulk out. I had been meaning to do it for a while, but the weather had been so cold it was going to make my caulk shrink.

Truth be told, I've always been a little leery of the whole caulk thing. Every time I've played with caulk, it's just remained so bunched up and wrinkly. My caulk has just never turned out very attractive before.

This time, however, I knew the secret: you have to have your fingers a little damp if you want to straighten out the caulk. I also found if you massage your caulk in the opposite direction of the ridges, you can make it smooth in no time. Well, I say no time, but it still took two hours for my caulk to get completely firm.

Anyway, I am exhausted after putting the ol' caulk into every hole and crack I could find, but I think the neighbors were excited to see me getting the job done.

Friday, October 27, 2006

The Whole Not Posting Thing

My new job has been a bit overwhelming. In fact I've felt like a Barney Fife who's just been reassigned to work with Jack Bauer. The terrorists are about to denonate a dirty bomb and there I am with just the one bullet.