Chad Repeats
Chad: Becky told me not to post this because she thinks its too gross but I say fuck it she's not my girlfriend but she must still have a thing for me
I don't know what I ate but Jesus Christ I took the biggest shit of my entire life last night. it was unbefuckinglievable.
So I'm in the bathroom and I sit down and I think its gonna be in and out like always. Fuck that. That turd starts to come out and then it comes to a complete fuckin stop. Like it changed its mind and wanted back in. And I'm like "I'm not leavin here with no turtle head. You'd best be movin on.'So I'm like keep pushin it out but it doesn't want to go. Its movin slowly and like grabbing the hairs around my asshole and pullin them out too Like this shit is some kind of cat and I'm trying to put it in the bathtub and its got its claws out trying to keep out. I'm thinking if I look at my asshole when its all done I'm going to see like a trail of clawmarks all the way out my ass.So this is like NOT working and I need to do something else. So I kick off my shorts and spread my legs apart cuz I figure I need to get the cheeks spread out to make the hole bigger so I can get this fuckker out. And that still is n't doing any good. So I take off my shoes and socks. Shit I didnt know what to do. Now I've got one leg hanging over the side of the tub and the other wrapped around the base of the sink and I'm like "Move motherfucker! Get the fuck out of me!"
And I'm thinking crazy shit you know? I'm thinking this is like having a baby and I'm SERIOUSLY considering telling one of the guys to get a set of tongs so I can extract this motherfucker manually. Can you imagine that? Tyler walks in and I'm digging in my ass with a pair of salad tongs going "Get it out get it out!" Shit.
And I'm sweatin like a mug. I'm moppin my sweat with toilet paper cuz theres no towels. So I've got this mound of wet soggy toilet paper and I take off my shirt cuz I'm getting tired of tearing off all that paper and I'm also getting afraid there's not going to be any left when I'm done taking this shit.
But its goin. Spreading my legs like Heather Saganzo after four beers is working. But then it all stops. I've got this goddamn Humvee hanging out of my ass and then like the troops start shouting "Fire in the hole!" And I start ripping these hugely massive farts. Like I didn't think there was any room left in there but these farts keep sneakin around the side of the turd shaking it like it was some redwood tree ready to fall. How the fuck did those farts get in there in the first place?!
I had a friend once who I swear to God had a turd form around a fart. Like there was this piece of shit, right, but if you cracked it open it would be hollow inside and this fart would come out. I didn't think it was possible but we flushed that fucker 14 times and it would swirl to the bottom but always come floating right back up. It was unbefuckinglievable.
So finally FINALLY I get the goddamn thing out. Jesus Christ that thing hurt. I'm like "Oh God!" so loud that my friends probably think I'm busting a nut in there. It's been like half an hour and its finally over. And I swear to God I wasn't going to llok. But you spend that much time on something and you want to see what you accomplished. So I get up and turn around and honest to god I thought I was actually going to see a brick. People say they shit a brick but I thought I really had. I was ready to look and see this massive shit covered brikc and I was going to be like When the fuck did I eat this fucking brick?" There was no brick but the thing took up half the toilet. It was in two pieces like it was the fucking Titanic and couldn't support its own weight. And its a goddam good thing it did break to cuz if it had all come out in one piece I would have had to finish shitting standing up. There was that much and I'm like there is no way that mother is gonna flush down on its own and it will NEVER go down if I put any toilet paper in there. So I tried flushing it down solo and of course backed the whole toilet up. So now what the hell am I supposed to do?
I can't put my clothes back on cuz I can't wipe my ass and the plungers in the other bathroom. I am totally fucked. But then I get this brilliant fucking idea. I take down the shower curtain and wrap it around me like a damn toga but keep it loose so that I won't wipe my ass on it. I go over to the other bathroom, take off the shower curtain, wipe my ass, get the plunger, put the shower curtain back on, go back to the other bathroom, get rid of Shit Mountain, put my clothes back on, hang the shower curtain back up, and then go to my room where I pass out.
And while I'm passed out I have a dream about screwing the hell out of Misha Barton, who makes #3 on the list.
I don't know what I ate but Jesus Christ I took the biggest shit of my entire life last night. it was unbefuckinglievable.
So I'm in the bathroom and I sit down and I think its gonna be in and out like always. Fuck that. That turd starts to come out and then it comes to a complete fuckin stop. Like it changed its mind and wanted back in. And I'm like "I'm not leavin here with no turtle head. You'd best be movin on.'So I'm like keep pushin it out but it doesn't want to go. Its movin slowly and like grabbing the hairs around my asshole and pullin them out too Like this shit is some kind of cat and I'm trying to put it in the bathtub and its got its claws out trying to keep out. I'm thinking if I look at my asshole when its all done I'm going to see like a trail of clawmarks all the way out my ass.So this is like NOT working and I need to do something else. So I kick off my shorts and spread my legs apart cuz I figure I need to get the cheeks spread out to make the hole bigger so I can get this fuckker out. And that still is n't doing any good. So I take off my shoes and socks. Shit I didnt know what to do. Now I've got one leg hanging over the side of the tub and the other wrapped around the base of the sink and I'm like "Move motherfucker! Get the fuck out of me!"
And I'm thinking crazy shit you know? I'm thinking this is like having a baby and I'm SERIOUSLY considering telling one of the guys to get a set of tongs so I can extract this motherfucker manually. Can you imagine that? Tyler walks in and I'm digging in my ass with a pair of salad tongs going "Get it out get it out!" Shit.
And I'm sweatin like a mug. I'm moppin my sweat with toilet paper cuz theres no towels. So I've got this mound of wet soggy toilet paper and I take off my shirt cuz I'm getting tired of tearing off all that paper and I'm also getting afraid there's not going to be any left when I'm done taking this shit.
But its goin. Spreading my legs like Heather Saganzo after four beers is working. But then it all stops. I've got this goddamn Humvee hanging out of my ass and then like the troops start shouting "Fire in the hole!" And I start ripping these hugely massive farts. Like I didn't think there was any room left in there but these farts keep sneakin around the side of the turd shaking it like it was some redwood tree ready to fall. How the fuck did those farts get in there in the first place?!
I had a friend once who I swear to God had a turd form around a fart. Like there was this piece of shit, right, but if you cracked it open it would be hollow inside and this fart would come out. I didn't think it was possible but we flushed that fucker 14 times and it would swirl to the bottom but always come floating right back up. It was unbefuckinglievable.
So finally FINALLY I get the goddamn thing out. Jesus Christ that thing hurt. I'm like "Oh God!" so loud that my friends probably think I'm busting a nut in there. It's been like half an hour and its finally over. And I swear to God I wasn't going to llok. But you spend that much time on something and you want to see what you accomplished. So I get up and turn around and honest to god I thought I was actually going to see a brick. People say they shit a brick but I thought I really had. I was ready to look and see this massive shit covered brikc and I was going to be like When the fuck did I eat this fucking brick?" There was no brick but the thing took up half the toilet. It was in two pieces like it was the fucking Titanic and couldn't support its own weight. And its a goddam good thing it did break to cuz if it had all come out in one piece I would have had to finish shitting standing up. There was that much and I'm like there is no way that mother is gonna flush down on its own and it will NEVER go down if I put any toilet paper in there. So I tried flushing it down solo and of course backed the whole toilet up. So now what the hell am I supposed to do?
I can't put my clothes back on cuz I can't wipe my ass and the plungers in the other bathroom. I am totally fucked. But then I get this brilliant fucking idea. I take down the shower curtain and wrap it around me like a damn toga but keep it loose so that I won't wipe my ass on it. I go over to the other bathroom, take off the shower curtain, wipe my ass, get the plunger, put the shower curtain back on, go back to the other bathroom, get rid of Shit Mountain, put my clothes back on, hang the shower curtain back up, and then go to my room where I pass out.
And while I'm passed out I have a dream about screwing the hell out of Misha Barton, who makes #3 on the list.
posted by X at 5:36 PM
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