Call Me J. P. Souzah
In my freshman year of college, a good friend of mine who had become an editor for the student paper approached me about writing a weekly column. I agreed and quickly adopted the alter-ego J. P. Souzah. I thought I needed to put a buffer between my outlandish opinions (about such controversial topics as girls' farting and how to overcome writer's block) and my readers. Since the column eventually used a high level of irony and dealt with somewhat weightier topics, this turned out to be a good idea. One reader failed to appreciate the delicate layering of dramatic irony of one column about homelessness and demanded my friend the editor tell him where he could find that racist asshole so he could give him a piece of his mind.
I enjoy being Souzah for brief periods of time. The best aspect of writing him is being able to make absolutely ridiculous claims based on the thinnest lines of logic. For those who debated in high school, Souzah is the guy who could link any plan (from reforming Social Security to revamping the prison system) to nuclear war. "And this is why you must vote Negative. To do otherwise will invite a nuclear holocaust that your grandchildren's grandchildren will still curse you for."
In his current incarnation J. P. Souzah is your elected representative. Here is his latest legislative effort (previously posted on his own now-deleted blog):
Why We Need My Definition of Marriage Amendment
My fellow citizens, we live in precipitous times. The war in Iraq, the looming deficits in Social Security, and the nationwide failings of our school systems confront us on a daily basis. This is why we need to prevent homosexuals from getting married.
As we all know, marriage is the bedrock institution of our country. It is the fidelity that comes from a man and woman exchanging sacred vows that creates all the goodness our great nation enjoys. Children are happier; spouses are happier. The trust established in marriage carries across to trust in other institutions: the White House, the church, and the banks. We must not make a mockery of marriage so that a few million perverts can thumb their noses at an American society that traces its roots back thousands of years.
Many people on both sides of the aisle see this issue as a diversion from the important topics of the day -- many of which I have indicated above -- but these people fail to see that eliminating the prospect of gay marriage will actually SOLVE these problems.
Everyone knows that the terrorists object to America's godless ways. This amendment sends a clear signal to them that we are not as Godless as they believe. They hate immorality; we hate immorality and will codify it into our Constitution. After passing this amendment, the terrorists will see the error of their thinking and soon the war in Iraq will just fade away.
Scientific studies have shown that people in happy marriages live longer lives while those who live angst-filled lives die sooner. Denying homosexuals the right to marry and showing them that all decent citizens are opposed to them will certainly fill them with stress, thus decreasing life expectancy and easing the burden on Social Security.
Finally, school scores will increase thanks to this amendment. A teenager’s life is full of doubt and uncertainty. As the teenager’s budding sexuality begins to emerge, his mind is filled with questions such as, “Why do I like boys, and what will society think of me if I express these feelings?” This amendment will definitively answer these questions: “You’re a perversion of God’s law, and we don’t look kindly on perverts.” The clarity of these responses will take all doubt out of him and allow him to focus on the all-important standardized tests that we use to measure the worth and potential of every student.
Any one of these reasons would be enough to vote for the current amendment that the President is suggesting. My amendment goes further, however.
Since we now know how truly important marriage is to the welfare of our country, we now know that it cannot be squandered. That is why my amendment would prevent celebrities from marrying. Looking at any supermarket tabloid one can see that these people do not take the institution of marriage seriously enough to be allowed to have it.
I have also proven that the fidelity inherent in the marriage vows is what provides the benefits to society. This is why my Constitutional amendment requires potential spouses to take a lie detector test before exchanging vows to establish whether or not they will be sufficiently honest and loyal.
The final advantage that my amendment has over the current one being debated is that it imposes an annual $100,000 fine on single people over the age of 18. If marriage is as important as the rest of my fellow lawmakers say it is, let them support my amendment -– which is the ONLY one which really encourages people to marry. And once they are married, either through the machinations of true love or an arrangement between their parents, these newlyweds will experience the wonder and bliss that marriage provides and that will forever be denied to the homosexuals, the celebrities, and anyone who lies.
Support the Souzah Amendment today!
I enjoy being Souzah for brief periods of time. The best aspect of writing him is being able to make absolutely ridiculous claims based on the thinnest lines of logic. For those who debated in high school, Souzah is the guy who could link any plan (from reforming Social Security to revamping the prison system) to nuclear war. "And this is why you must vote Negative. To do otherwise will invite a nuclear holocaust that your grandchildren's grandchildren will still curse you for."
In his current incarnation J. P. Souzah is your elected representative. Here is his latest legislative effort (previously posted on his own now-deleted blog):
Why We Need My Definition of Marriage Amendment
My fellow citizens, we live in precipitous times. The war in Iraq, the looming deficits in Social Security, and the nationwide failings of our school systems confront us on a daily basis. This is why we need to prevent homosexuals from getting married.
As we all know, marriage is the bedrock institution of our country. It is the fidelity that comes from a man and woman exchanging sacred vows that creates all the goodness our great nation enjoys. Children are happier; spouses are happier. The trust established in marriage carries across to trust in other institutions: the White House, the church, and the banks. We must not make a mockery of marriage so that a few million perverts can thumb their noses at an American society that traces its roots back thousands of years.
Many people on both sides of the aisle see this issue as a diversion from the important topics of the day -- many of which I have indicated above -- but these people fail to see that eliminating the prospect of gay marriage will actually SOLVE these problems.
Everyone knows that the terrorists object to America's godless ways. This amendment sends a clear signal to them that we are not as Godless as they believe. They hate immorality; we hate immorality and will codify it into our Constitution. After passing this amendment, the terrorists will see the error of their thinking and soon the war in Iraq will just fade away.
Scientific studies have shown that people in happy marriages live longer lives while those who live angst-filled lives die sooner. Denying homosexuals the right to marry and showing them that all decent citizens are opposed to them will certainly fill them with stress, thus decreasing life expectancy and easing the burden on Social Security.
Finally, school scores will increase thanks to this amendment. A teenager’s life is full of doubt and uncertainty. As the teenager’s budding sexuality begins to emerge, his mind is filled with questions such as, “Why do I like boys, and what will society think of me if I express these feelings?” This amendment will definitively answer these questions: “You’re a perversion of God’s law, and we don’t look kindly on perverts.” The clarity of these responses will take all doubt out of him and allow him to focus on the all-important standardized tests that we use to measure the worth and potential of every student.
Any one of these reasons would be enough to vote for the current amendment that the President is suggesting. My amendment goes further, however.
Since we now know how truly important marriage is to the welfare of our country, we now know that it cannot be squandered. That is why my amendment would prevent celebrities from marrying. Looking at any supermarket tabloid one can see that these people do not take the institution of marriage seriously enough to be allowed to have it.
I have also proven that the fidelity inherent in the marriage vows is what provides the benefits to society. This is why my Constitutional amendment requires potential spouses to take a lie detector test before exchanging vows to establish whether or not they will be sufficiently honest and loyal.
The final advantage that my amendment has over the current one being debated is that it imposes an annual $100,000 fine on single people over the age of 18. If marriage is as important as the rest of my fellow lawmakers say it is, let them support my amendment -– which is the ONLY one which really encourages people to marry. And once they are married, either through the machinations of true love or an arrangement between their parents, these newlyweds will experience the wonder and bliss that marriage provides and that will forever be denied to the homosexuals, the celebrities, and anyone who lies.
Support the Souzah Amendment today!
posted by X at 7:40 PM
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